johnny vs
by catmagnent
Summary: Nny takes on the latest annoyance- the jehovahs witness.
1. Chapter 1

a.n: my sister- randomplotbunny didnt want to write this one so she let me do it. i dont own jthm or such.

johnny vs. an over zealous jehovas witness.

nny was moping about. he was still cleaning up after that last whack job came knocking at his door at eight that morning. "that bastard put up a struggle, but he was so delightful to hack up into little pieces. plus the little chiuhaua got a treat..all the meat she could eat for free." at that thought nny chuckled and gingerly cleaned up his favorite throat slitting blade.

he mopped up the floor and got most of the dried blood up. at least it looked almost clean, and that was good enough for him.

nny was just getting ready to sit down when he saw someone ..no wait..a group of people walking from door to door being all annoying and junk.

nny hated annoying people.

just then he got several knocks upon his blood splattered door. he opened it to see an overly happy pair of faces, followed by some overly ugly kids hiding the devil behind their smiles.

"good afternoon, sir. we are going door to door spreading the good word of our lord jesus christ with our neighbors. and just how are you today?" asked the lady in her best high pitched goody two shoes eat shit and die voice.

"uh fine i suppose," sighed nny " i suppose you want to come inside? well come inside my home. excuse the smell. the fridge went out."

so the four jehovas witnesses went inside nnys home.

little did they know they would not be walking back out.

nny listened to what they had to say, and tried as hard as he could to look interested. he reached behind his chair and slid the long throat slitter into the seat next to him and kept it hidden until they were ready to go.

"we always say a prayer before we leave a home. do you mind if we pray mr. nny?" asked the guy in the ugly grey suit.

"sure go ahead," said nny " but tell your kids if they go to the bathroom not to flush the toilet. horrible things happen to toilet flushers."

when the kids heard that, they immediately snuck off to the bathroom to flush the toilet to see what happens.

...flush...gurgle gurgle...rrrrooaaaarrrrr..gurgle

the kids looked genuinely looked mortified when a huge two handed tentacle shot out of the toilet, grabbed them and pulled them into the murky depths below.

nny laughed silently.

now he had to deal with the adults.

he caught them still praying.

perfect.

he rushed over and slit the man's throat quickly. he grabbed his neck and violently screamed while blood gushed everywhere. the woman screamed at the sight of her husband, and begged nny not to kill her too.

"i would spare you but, you see you all arent the first ones ive killed today. it started at eight o clock this morning and hasnt quit yet. so i have had enough perkiness for one day." said nny with a crazed look in his eyes.

the terrified woman wondered what the psychopath was going to do next.

"ive got something special planned for you. now, you know the story of that jeezus fellow in his tomb right?" asked nny.

the woman nodded her head yes.

"now you are going to be my front yard tomb occupant." said nny as he dragged her out to the front yard and kicked open the flimsy door to the "tomb".

he tossed her down into the tomb and slammed the door shut and locked it. then he made a head stone and set it in place to serve as a warning to all other would be religious door knockers.

it clearly read "here lies the last jehovahs witness that disturbed me. if you listen closely you can still hear her."

one person read that and heard in a distant high pitched voice scream out " help me im down here, please get me out of here, im almost out of aiiiirrr..hack hack.." then silence. nny had counted how long it had taken that stubborn overzealous hack religious tell all nitwit to die off. it had taken about a month. and nny finally decided to leave the headstone up. it was an added nice touch. the next day came and he slept in peace like a baby before the evil of the world corrupts it.


	2. Chapter 2

a.n: my sister randomplotbunny does the johnny vs. , so i called my take on it nny vs., and if u like or dont like it i dont care.

nny vs. a door to door salesman.

"last one was a wild sonofabitch," nny muttered as he carefully cleaned his long blade throat cutter "it seems like everytime i want to watch dark shadows on television, someone or something always comes up."

nny gave a final scrutinizing glance at his blade and noted he had cleaned it really well, not even the slightest hint of the smell of blood lingered. only the smell of bleach and popcorn...buttered popcorn.

just then nny looked out his living room window and had noticed a door to door salesman coming down the street towards his home, probably going to do his very best to sell him something. the jackhole.

then as sure as he knew it, there was a firm knock on the blood spattered door, and nny opened it only to see a man his height, wearing the ugliest plaid suit and beat up hat. "good morning sir, im a representative of the allbrand household cleaning supply company. and im going door to door selling their latest brand of metal cleaner. it works on all types of metal, removes dirt, grease, oil, blood, and leaves a pleasant smell."

nny was genuinely intrested.

a product that even removes blood stains and leaves a better smell than bleach? freakin yeah.

"i will take all you have sir," said nny "do you have any house cleaners for sale as well?"

"indeed i do sir. let me go to my car and get the boxes of products to show you." said the over eager salesman.

he went out to his vehicle and came back with four boxes on a dolly, and each one had diffrent cleaners, diffrent air freshners, and floor cleaners too. nny was happy for the first time that day. he hit the jackpot. he quickly wrote down wich product did what, how to use it and if it needed mixed with water so be it.

then he quickly pulled his long blade again, and decided to try out the new cleaner, just as the unaware salesman was filling out his sales form, nny came up behind him and slit his throat from ear to ear.

"what a mess, now i gotta clean it up." nny smiled a twisted smile and looked at the extra strength floor cleaner, it even removed set in blood stains. nny dumped the cleaner on the floor after he had buried the body, and mopped up most of the blood. the cleaner did what it was supposed to do, and after it had set on the blood stained floor for over ten minutes, nny mopped it up. then he noticed something odd about one part of the floor, it was growing eyes.

nny was wondering what the hell was going on.

he even noticed that his floor was trying to speak and move.

just then nny read the label on the floor cleaner, it read "organic floor cleaner. do not pour directly on fresh blood, or your floor will come to life and kill you. thank you for buying our organic floor cleaner. made in hades. 666"

"crap," said nny "now my floor is going to try and kill me eh? not if i get to it first."

so nny took all of his cleaners and began to place them strategically from bottom basement to top floor. his victims cried out for freedom, but he ignored them. he had begun to set fire to his home, bottom basement first. then he worked his way up.

he had packed his belongings in an overnight bag and got the heck out of his now fully engulfed home.

he stood on the sidewalk and watched the damn thing burn. no sounds escaped the raging inferno, all his victims were now burned alive, and those who were dead were now ashes.

all the early morning door knockers, religious types, salespeople, overly cheerful people were now dead and gone.

"so much the better." mumbled nny. and with that said, he turned on a heel and walked away.

he found another home, it was better looking, had a working fridge, central heat and air, stocked pantry full of raviolis and skettio's. nny couldnt have been happier. he had to bury two bodies in the little vegetable garden, but he has a nicer home.

he even hung a notice on the door it read " if you are a religious fanatic, salesperson, overly cheerful, etc. please do not knock on this door. you want a reason not to knock, look at the tombstone and read it. thank you."

the tombstone read "here lies the last person to bother me. if you listen closely, you can still hear them scream".

nobody ever bothered nny again.


	3. Chapter 3

a.n: you know the drill by now. i dont own jthm.

nny vs. a cherry freezie clerk

"damned thing broke down again, mr. willard," squeaked the pimple faced clerk in a wrinkled shirt and ripped jeans, and earrings all up and down his ears "i tried to fix it like you said to do, but this time i think its really broken down sir."

the store owner picked apart the freezie machiene and found the problem. it was a burned out fuse box, and it needed replacing and quickly. soon customers would be coming in from the heat and wanting gas, and a freezie.

so the store manager left for the hardware store to get a couple of replacement fuse boxes for the freezie machiene. god help anyone who would wnt a cherry or cola freezie right now. especially at this hour of the morning.

the store had picked up business mainly customers needing gas for their cars or lawnmowers, and a cold sport drink, or soda to get them through the day.

all was in good working order that is until nny had stirred from his bed, it was 930 in the morning and it was already getting warm outside. he had managed to get the lawnmower started last night and cut his grass before the sun baked it to a burned mess.

"i need a cherry freezie," thought nny to himself "better go get dressed and go get one."

so nny got dressed in something not blood soaked or spattered in blood. "hell, this shirt works." so he put on his favorite black short sleeve shirt and it read " save the planet, kill yourself".

he made sure he put on his sunglasses and his favorite cap, and went to go get a cherry freezie. little did nny know that the cherry freezie machiene was not working, it was still to be repaired, and the part needed was stuck in lunch traffic.

by the time nny had reached the quickie pickie where they sold his favorite cherry freezie with a bunch of cherries on top, he had heard a lady on her phone say something about the freezie machiene was out of order, it was broken.

nny was certain she was lying, and would deal with her later. he got inside the quickie pickie and was about to ask for a cherry freezie, until...nny's heart sank. the lady wasnt lying.

the cherry freezie machiene was indeed out of working order.

nny began to twitch, his eye squinted, and his face flushed with anger.

"fix that damned freezie machiene, you pepperoni faced jackhole," barked nny "i want a cherry freezie, i have to have my cherry freezie fix right now." said nny through clenched teeth.

"im sorry sir," squeaked the clerk "the part needed to fix it is stuck in lunch rush traffic and wont be here for another hour or longer. i really am sorry."

nny knew it would not do any good to be angry, or start killing people. so he grabbed a bottle of ice cold wild cherry water and told the clerk he would be back tomorrow for a cherry freezie. and he may not be so lienient next time.

by the next day, the cherry freezie machiene was working, and customers were going in and out paying for gas, munchies, and freezies.

nny had gotten up really early just to go get one. and when he had gotten to the quickie pickie for a cherry freezie, the clerk told nny " you should have been here sooner man," said the clerk hanging his head " we sold out of cherry freezies, but we have plenty of cherry cola freezies. want one of those?"

nny actually concidered it for a moment, and then in a flash of blind rage and fury, nny pulled out his long bladed throat slitter and began to kill people and then the clerk, all the while screaming out " i was here in plenty of time you jackhole, and no i dont want a cherry cola freezie. i want a cherry freezie with fucking cherries on top."

when nny had finished, the clerk and four other customers were dead, and still no cherry freezie. he took all their monies, and a couple of cases of the wild cherry water. "this will do for now, until they replace the last one and make more freezies."


	4. Chapter 4

a.n: i dont own jthm. just the sic plot that spews outta the head.

nny realised he didnt have any more clean tshirts. so he surmised that a shopping trip was in order for the day.

off to hot topic.

nny was happy to see a brand new line of t shirt out. the death set.

nny giggled like a happy school girl and set to grabbing the ones he wanted. seventeen shirts total.

"that will be fourty five dollars and eighty four cents please." said the sales person behind the counter.

nny checked his pocket, he was short by thirty dollars.

"sir, you need to pay for those shirts. we have others waiting." said the salesperson sarcastically.

"i dont like your attitude," said nny as he felt around his pockets for more money.

he found a decapitated finger, part of an ear from the salesman, and a blood splattered hankey.

"sir," began the salesperson

nny's eye twitched, and his teeth clenched together. "i gotta have those shirts," said nny as he got more angry "i got twenty dollars. take it or leave it."

"but sir," said the clerk "this is more than twenty dollars worth of merchandise."

nny was through talking. he pulled out his long bladed throat slicer and in a quick few moments later, the salesclerk and all the goth "wantabes" were dead.

nny collected his shirts and a new belt with buckle, and left the store.

"that should last me awhile." said nny as he left the store and headed home.

"there's always plenty of annoyances to hack tomorrow." said nny as he settled into his chair, grabbed his bowl of skettio's and clicked on the tv. "cool, the happy noodle boy cartoons are on." said nny as he munched on his skettios and watched hnb.


	5. Chapter 5

a.n: i hope you enjoy this one.

disclaimer: i dont own jthm or any characters.

it was seven in the morning, and rumbles of thunder boomed through the air. nny was trying to get some of his windows closed and leakes covered for the approaching storm began its deluge.

"crap, i ran outta buckets and pans." said nny as he stared at a large, gaping hole in his roof. "its gonna rain soon, and i need that covered up."

so nny got onto his roof top and covered the hole with a piece of sheet metal and some nails to hold it in place.

"now thats finished, its time for some raviolis and another marathon of happy noodle boy cartoons and followed by dark shadows." said nny as he grabbed a can of raviolio's from his pantry and sat in his chair, clicked on the t.v and what greeted him wasnt hnb.

it was the national weather service.

"there is a severe thunderstorm warning for the areas shaded in yellow, and a tornado watch is in that area too. so all residents be prepared to take cover immediately if the tornado sirens for your area should suddenly sound off."

"crap. get on with h.n.b," spouted nny angrily.

just then h.n.b came on beginning with episode 4 'the park menace'.

"yippee," shouted nny "my favorite one i have been waiting to see."

just then, the sky darkened even more and lightening flashed across the sky, followed by a huge and very loud clap of thunder. then it began to sprinkle some rain.

more lightening, thunder, and the air became very still and then nny heard some very annoying sirens beginning to sound. "dammit," said nny "cant they shut those things off, i wanna watch hnb."

•••••••••••••over at the prison complex••••••••••••

"prisoner 12684, step foreward and toe the line please." said the head prison guard.

"you have been here for six years of a life sentence, for murder in the first degree, murder of an unborn child, six counts of rape, four counts of drug posession with an intent to distribute, and the murders of eight federal u.s marshals. we have you placed in cellblock 9, cell number 3."

the storm outside got really intense, a ferocious ef4 twister was bering down on that nasty town. and nny was having a fit, because he couldnt finish his marathon of hnb.

so nny did the only other thing he could do, clean and sharpen his knife collection. afterall, it had been awhile since it had been cleaned, used, and sharpened.

so he got the metal cleaner, scrub brush, bleach water, and his favorite grinding stone. and he set to work taking care of his blades.

the power had gone out over at the prison. and prisoner 12684, named "crazy horse" joe had knocked out his guard escorts and stole the keys then got out of the prison, unharmed.

he had to find a place to lay low for a few days until the law quits searching for him. he ran across nny's home. it was perfect. he crawled in through the basement window, and found himself among some other people.

some in chains, some strapped to the wall, a couple in torture racks, and several locked behind closed doors. forgotten souls, unfortunate ones to become annoyances to one homicidal maniac. and whomever this person was upstairs, was someone he could take a liking to.

meanwhile upstairs, nny had just finished paying close attention to his favorite long bladed throat slitter. that was his most trustworthy blade in his collection.

while coming upstairs, crazy horse joe had noticed some of nny's blade collections, from scythes, to sicles, to long swords, and samurai daggers and swords.

"damn," said joe in amazement "i like this guy."

the storm had passed and it was pouring rain now. and some hail was still falling here and there. nny had heard the creaking of the stairs, and immediately went to investigate.

"who are you, and what are you doing in my house?" asked nny.

"hiding from the cops." said crazy horse joe.

"and youre stupid enough to hide in my home?" said nny with a wicked smile that made even crazy joe feel eerie.

"yeah, i was also admiring your collection in the basement. nice stuff." said crazy horse joe " i especially love the torture racks with the added intestine remover."

"thanks," said nny still smiling crazily " i love collecting emplements of torture,, death, and disfigurement."

crazy joe smiled a half smile and looked at his newly cleaned blade collection, "impressive, it even rivals mine back home."

nny said " have a closer look, and admire my collection."

and as crazy horse joe looked at nny's blades, nny pulled his long bladed throat slicer, and slit crazy horse joe from ear to ear.

he grabbed his neck and screamed. then he fell in a heap on the floor and drowned on his own blood.

nny wrapped the body in plastic, and dragged it back to the front gate of the prison and attached a note "this belongs to you." he didnt sign it, he walked back to his home, and closed the door.

nny had noticed something odd, the t.v was back on.

hnb and dark shadows would be shown in their entirety, since the storm had knocked out power to most of the area. nny went to the store, he had to stock up on skettios, raviolios, and hot pockets. there was gonna be good shows on and he wanted to stock up.

three cart fulls of food later, he dragged them to his home, and put the now empty carts in his garage. then he sat back in his chair, grabbed his skettios and watched his shows without incident.


End file.
